well, i truly intended to accept the end of this cycle with uncharacteristic humor, grace, and optimism. despite this plan, it didn't happen. i got my period on thankgiving, which was so early i thought it might be implantation spotting. but of course by the end of the day, i knew it was over. just in time for a surprise visit from my cousin and her three babies under the age of 5.
i bet everyone who struggles with ttc or pregnancy loss knows all the feelings you can have about holidays. i don't know if i could articulate it well here, but something about not being pregnant for holidays makes me feel gayer somehow, not in a good way. i thought i had conquered the beast of internalized homophobia, but it has returned with a vengeance. when i sat there on thanksgiving, i struggled with a feeling of freakiness, a 'what is wrong with me' shame that felt familiar. it was the same isolation i felt when i was a teenager, scared of being queer. leaving family events to go be myself. feeling like no one understood or noticed what i was going through. but this time, its not really about being gay, its about feeling like a failure. its about feeling betrayed by myself.
i wouldn't want anyone to read this to think that i think there is anything at all wrong with being queer. i am a proud out person who is active in lgbt circles. i love my partner and i love the queer community. i want nothing more than to join the ranks of the lgbt parents. i'm startled though, by how much my pregnancy loss has affected my sense of myself. i really thought i had this stuff beat.
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