Homesick

I'm from a small town and soon I will be going back for my dear friend-since-second-grade's wedding. Small town is four square miles, conservative, and proud of it. I've had a hate-hate relationship with the place my whole life. Well, once I left for college I didn't give it too much energy so "hate" is probably too strong a word. Disdain maybe? When I was a teenager I once told my parents that raising a child in such an environment was harmful. They are not conservative people and I think I really hurt their feelings.

I skipped my high school reunions and this wedding is the closest thing to it. Being pregnant adds a different dimension. On a superficial level, I discovered shopping was more difficult. I knew I would need a new dress but forgot I would need new shoes and a bra since both are too small. According to the maternity store, my new bra size is one that is also a nickname for a party drug. Seriously? And maternity store doesn't do refunds or exchanges! Seriously?

People I used to be friends with in high school will be at the wedding. You know, the kind of friend that you don't remember why you were such good friends with them. I saw some at the wedding shower and it was totally awkward. I didn't tell one of my high school friends I was pregnant because I just...felt weird about it. I can't explain why I felt wary of telling her, she knows I am queer and everything. I just felt her negative judgement towards our future child on a gut level. Before I told her. Which doesn't make sense. It's been bothering me. I am a pretty out person in general but something about the pregnancy brought out a new dimension of uneasiness. The thought of someone judging me negatively for being queer doesn't get to me too much, but the thought of someone thinking I am unfit to mother my baby really upset me.

I also shared the baby news with another friend from the past who I will always care about. She is open-minded and good hearted but never left small town. She reacted as if I told her I eat babies for lunch. She caught herself and said "Congratulations" but not after saying "How did this happen? I have a million questions, are you SERIOUS?" Lovely said she felt like we were a freak show.

A third "friend" from Small Town who I haven't heard from in a while emailed a long chatty letter and asked what was new. I responded that I was pregnant and never heard back. Her silence could have nothing to do with my answer, but who knows?

I know this kind of stuff is going to happen to our family all the time. That I need a thicker skin.
Here in Big City, we are in such a bubble of LGBT friendliness that I forget. I see LGBT folks everywhere I go in my gayborhood. There is a park less then five minutes from my house that is considered the "lesbian mom" park. I know other LGBT parents and many who are trying. I don't experience homophobia on a concrete level in daily life and I don't feel freakish here either. Lovely is gonna adopt our baby in a month after the birth. It is totally legal. I feel blessed.

So here is the thing: I'm homesick. I still don't feel like Big City is my home even though I've lived here for four years and in many ways, I love it here. Whenever we return to Big City from a visit "home" I see the gorgeous skyline emerge and I feel a sinking sadness. Lovely asked me what I thought the sinking feeling was in reaction to and I said "The city does not care that we are back."

I wonder what will happen when the baby comes. Right now I am thinking I will want to flee "home." I will want my baby to have the benefit of extended family nearby that I did-- a blessing that I believe saved me from the despair I felt as a young person. I want my baby to be close to her grandparents and her aunts and uncles.

Yet, I think of how damaging I thought growing up in Small Town was, and I don't really want my daughter growing up outside the Queer Bubble. There really is no equivalent of the Queer Bubble back home. I want her to see families like hers when she walks with us to get ice cream. I want her to go to Pride and celebrate with a million people each June. I don't think Queer Bubbles are the only good place for LGBT folks to raise their kids. I know this is about my own insecurities and character issues. I want my daughter to know me as someone who is comfortable in her own skin and not someone who would ever be nervous about reactions to a baby bump at a shower.

I want her to feel at home.

A Year Ago

A year ago this week I miscarried.

The bleeding started on Tuesday and we went to the ER (diagnosis: "threatened miscarriage/abortion"). Wednesday I had large amounts of blood and we went to the ER again. (Diagnosis: Miscarriage). On Thursday the Ob/Gyn confirmed it was "complete." I spent the next few days taking all the percocet the doctor prescribed. Even though there wasn't too much physical pain.

The weekend following the miscarriage, I alternated between watching DVDs in a narcotic haze and walking around my neighborhood, trying my best to be distracted by the annual neighborhood celebration. My sister, Lovely's Mom, and out of town friends had already planned visits for this weekend and so they were there. (Thankfully they weren't all staying with us). It was a beautiful sunny weekend. Hot the way I like it to be. I was bleeding a lot.

On Sunday afternoon, Lovely and I were walking alone together through the festival. Maybe the percocet wore off or maybe I was just waiting to be away from the visitors, but I had a meltdown on the street near the crowds and the vendors. I pointed out to Lovely all the people standing in the street saying "Look, that person wasn't a miscarriage" "That person wasn't either" "All these people are alive" and I started crying.

It was one of those striking moments when you feel completely out of sync with the world. All around me the sun was shining, kids were running with balloons, topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Under ordinary circumstances, I would've loved this day.
Nobody really seemed to notice how upset I was, or how out of place I must have been. Lovely took me home.

That night I decided to step outside again and there was a concert going on closing the festival for the day. I met a friend there who knew what happened. She asked me "Are you feeling better today?"

"No" I said, laughing slightly. It seemed absurd to me that anyone might think I was feeling better.

That was a year ago.

This weekend, Lovely and I walked through the festival. The sun was shining, the topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Lovely and I asked a random couple about whether they liked the stroller they were using. And I am 6 months pregnant.

Sometimes, a lot can change in a year.

First Train Seat

Its official--I look pregnant enough that I was offered a seat on the subway. In my experience, it IS true that people treat you different. Many strangers look at my belly and smile at me. My co-workers seem very interested in what I eat. Thank goodness its not in a judgemental way, just making sure I know there is free food available so that I can get first dips. It is somewhat hillarious that co-workers who I never talked to before seem concerned that I get enough ice cream when there is cake and ice cream for a birthday.

I also find that I am pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time, even though I am not to third trimester yet. My feet, ankles and legs get really swollen which limits the time each day I can stand and walk. Already?! I am embarrassed at how vain I feel about this development.

I've enjoyed the pregnancy so much more the past week. When she kicks, it feels real. I have odd maternal thoughts, like "She is so cute when she kicks" I know that doesnt even make sense. And the stuff that I kept wanting to put off like going to childbirth class, visiting the hospital and meeting the lawyer for the second parent adoption can't be put off much longer.

I realized that despite all the thought I put into the pregnancy, the parenting, even the baby's room-I didn't spend any time thinking about the birth. Lovely Partner is obsessed with reading about births and learning everything she can. I've been mildly avoidant. The other day I was taking one of my frequent spontaneous naps and I heard a baby crying. I was so confused. I looked over to the other side of the couch--It was Lovely, watching births on youtube.

I better learn some stuff!