Look for my Mom and Dad as extras in Pray.ers for Bo.bby on Life..time this Saturday. It stars Sigourney Weaver as a religious homophobic mom who learns her son is gay and becomes an gay rights activist. My parents are non-speaking extras who play, apparently, members of an LGBT Friendly Church at a Pride Parade. Wonderful casting, I think. They were so excited to be in this movie along with gay activists and PFLAG types. They've come a long way since I came out over 10 years ago.
My Mom said "Sarah , I have to ask you more about what a real pride parade is like!" I told her she ought to come see Sunshine, Lovely, and I in the parade this June!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
How My Lovely Partner Ended Up On the Crib Mattress
Sunshine used to be an excellent sleeper. As a newborn she slept in four hour stretches at night and we woke her to feed her. Gradually she slept more and more until she regularly slept 7-9 hour stretches by 2 months. We knew we were lucky. I didn't want to focus on comparing her to other babies, but I was a little proud when other parents were amazed. I told people "In the Baby Olympics, sleep is her best event." I took her sleep habits as validation of our co-sleeping/attachment-parenting leaning ways. Her crib stood unused in the room down the hall.
And then, all the sudden, she hit a slump. It happened pretty much went I went back to work. First she slept in two hour stretches. We thought she must have had a stomachache or something like that. But she seemed fine. She would wake up and nurse and then fall back asleep. I thought it might be "reverse cycling" to make up for the time I was away at work. But she didn't seem particularly hungry when she nursed. Then she slept in one hour stretches. Then it was forty-five minutes stretches. During the day, she was still mostly cheerful and alert, but I can't say the same for me and my Lovely Partner. One morning, Lovely expressed her outrage at People: "When People say that it gets easier after three months, they LIE!"
However, worse then being up all night was worrying something was wrong. I thought maybe she was traumatized because I went back to work. Or that she hit some developmental block.
So I got on the internet and researched, as I am wont to do. I found out there is another thing called "Four Month Sleep Regression" where a good sleeping baby just stops sleeping well at about four months. Who knew? (Maybe ya'll did) In any case, from my reading we are just supposed to stick it out. So I attempted to calm down and keep on...mothering. We tried to think of things to help her (and us) sleep.
One problem is that she, my very big baby, outgrew her co-sleeper. And when she sleeps on the bed with us, she doesn't seem to have enough room either. She flails and hits us and wakes herself (and us) up. We thought we could move her crib into our bedroom. We would drop down the bar a little and keep her close to the bed. Unfortunately, we forgot the rule guiding our life which is "If we purchase something big, it will not work for us in some way." The crib, built in the nursery, was too big to go through the door. We decided to take it apart and rebuild this weekend. In the meantime we thougt we would just put the crib mattress on the floor next to our bed and see how that works.
So the other night I walk into our bedroom and see Lovely crashed asleep in our bed and Sunshine happily laying on the mattress on the floor, looking up at me smiling. I realized this would not work either because she moves too much and would fall off the mattress.
So Lovely suggested that for the time being, the baby and I should sleep on our queen size bed, where I can nurse her when needed throughout the night. Lovely decided she could sleep on the baby's crib mattress next to our bed. I should point out that while Lovely is not tall, she is much taller then your average crib user. However, last night my baby and I slept on our bed, and my Lovely Partner slept on the crib mattress next to us on the floor. This morning, Lovely said it was the best night's sleep she's had in a while.
And then, all the sudden, she hit a slump. It happened pretty much went I went back to work. First she slept in two hour stretches. We thought she must have had a stomachache or something like that. But she seemed fine. She would wake up and nurse and then fall back asleep. I thought it might be "reverse cycling" to make up for the time I was away at work. But she didn't seem particularly hungry when she nursed. Then she slept in one hour stretches. Then it was forty-five minutes stretches. During the day, she was still mostly cheerful and alert, but I can't say the same for me and my Lovely Partner. One morning, Lovely expressed her outrage at People: "When People say that it gets easier after three months, they LIE!"
However, worse then being up all night was worrying something was wrong. I thought maybe she was traumatized because I went back to work. Or that she hit some developmental block.
So I got on the internet and researched, as I am wont to do. I found out there is another thing called "Four Month Sleep Regression" where a good sleeping baby just stops sleeping well at about four months. Who knew? (Maybe ya'll did) In any case, from my reading we are just supposed to stick it out. So I attempted to calm down and keep on...mothering. We tried to think of things to help her (and us) sleep.
One problem is that she, my very big baby, outgrew her co-sleeper. And when she sleeps on the bed with us, she doesn't seem to have enough room either. She flails and hits us and wakes herself (and us) up. We thought we could move her crib into our bedroom. We would drop down the bar a little and keep her close to the bed. Unfortunately, we forgot the rule guiding our life which is "If we purchase something big, it will not work for us in some way." The crib, built in the nursery, was too big to go through the door. We decided to take it apart and rebuild this weekend. In the meantime we thougt we would just put the crib mattress on the floor next to our bed and see how that works.
So the other night I walk into our bedroom and see Lovely crashed asleep in our bed and Sunshine happily laying on the mattress on the floor, looking up at me smiling. I realized this would not work either because she moves too much and would fall off the mattress.
So Lovely suggested that for the time being, the baby and I should sleep on our queen size bed, where I can nurse her when needed throughout the night. Lovely decided she could sleep on the baby's crib mattress next to our bed. I should point out that while Lovely is not tall, she is much taller then your average crib user. However, last night my baby and I slept on our bed, and my Lovely Partner slept on the crib mattress next to us on the floor. This morning, Lovely said it was the best night's sleep she's had in a while.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I Hate My Babysitter (But not really...)
Maternity leave is officially over. This is permanent. Lovely and I did the math, we can't pay our student loans and fertility debt unless we are both working. Hell, we can't even if we are both working. There is no way around daycare, right now. (I'm not against daycare at all, I just personally want to be home with my baby)
So I leave my Sunshine in the morning and pick her up at night. First I hand over my baby, then I hand over my money. It is a double blow. The absurdity of this situation never ceases to amaze me. And I know the childcare worker is underpaid, as well.
So I don't hate my babysitter, really. I'm jealous of all the time she spends with my baby.
We are lucky that my sister has agreed to be the live-in babysitter for January. Beyond lucky. She is gifted with babies and I get to see her so much more. She got laid off so I know I should be thankful that I have a job. Lots of people are losing theirs.
Little Sunshine seems okay with the adjustment. She smiles and coos and seems in a good mood most of the time. However, she has discovered the joys of reverse cycling. This is when a baby decides to nurse often during the night, typically after a Mom returns to work. (I read about it on go.ogle, so it must be true) She used to sleep in pleasant 7-8 hours stretches, now we are lucky to get three. This started exactly when I returned to work. I researched what I should do about this and my favorite advice was "Take reverse cycling as a compliment from your baby." I do my best to feel flattered at 12 a.m., 3 a.m. and 6a.m.
One good thing is that (for now) I am less stressed about every little thing Sunshine is doing. For one thing, I have less time to search the internet. But mostly its because problems seem temporary when babies change so damn fast. My internet search history already has "Baby won't nurse" "Baby nurses constantly" "Baby won't take bottle" "Baby takes too much bottle" "Baby sleeps too much" "Baby doesn't sleep enough." I honestly can't keep up. I'm just gonna hang on and assume that while I am writing about reverse cycling today, I might be writing about the opposite situation next week. Is there such thing as forward cycling?
So I leave my Sunshine in the morning and pick her up at night. First I hand over my baby, then I hand over my money. It is a double blow. The absurdity of this situation never ceases to amaze me. And I know the childcare worker is underpaid, as well.
So I don't hate my babysitter, really. I'm jealous of all the time she spends with my baby.
We are lucky that my sister has agreed to be the live-in babysitter for January. Beyond lucky. She is gifted with babies and I get to see her so much more. She got laid off so I know I should be thankful that I have a job. Lots of people are losing theirs.
Little Sunshine seems okay with the adjustment. She smiles and coos and seems in a good mood most of the time. However, she has discovered the joys of reverse cycling. This is when a baby decides to nurse often during the night, typically after a Mom returns to work. (I read about it on go.ogle, so it must be true) She used to sleep in pleasant 7-8 hours stretches, now we are lucky to get three. This started exactly when I returned to work. I researched what I should do about this and my favorite advice was "Take reverse cycling as a compliment from your baby." I do my best to feel flattered at 12 a.m., 3 a.m. and 6a.m.
One good thing is that (for now) I am less stressed about every little thing Sunshine is doing. For one thing, I have less time to search the internet. But mostly its because problems seem temporary when babies change so damn fast. My internet search history already has "Baby won't nurse" "Baby nurses constantly" "Baby won't take bottle" "Baby takes too much bottle" "Baby sleeps too much" "Baby doesn't sleep enough." I honestly can't keep up. I'm just gonna hang on and assume that while I am writing about reverse cycling today, I might be writing about the opposite situation next week. Is there such thing as forward cycling?
Friday, January 2, 2009
Can We Learn Without Direct Experience?
Sometimes I have toyed with the idea that I can't learn except by actual experience. That is, advice never helps me. It is like I won't believe it until I see it. This partially explains my credit card debt and past (long ago, thank goodness) relationships with addicts. If only I had listened to what....gee everyone was telling me.
I now present my list of advice I WISHED I followed regarding pregnancy and having an infant:
1) Enjoy your pregnancy. Ha-easier said then done...but still I think I could've enjoyed it more. I know that pregnancy loss is real and the worst thing in the world. Still I wish I had savored that oddness that is feeling pregnant.
2) Write down something about your new baby every single day, no matter how short it is or how tired you are. So much of the first month is a blur. I wish I knew more about the hours she slept or how often she ate, how many diapers I changed a day. (Honestly if I could have a videotape of every moment of her first three months I would LOVE that)
3) Nursing will get better after 6 weeks. I guess I listened to this advice, but I never believed it for real because nursing was so painful and frustrating. It got so much better. It got great. I can't explain it but its one of the most empowering things I have done in my life. Highly recommended.
4) Enjoy the newborn stage. Its true that I thought I might lose my mind with my often crying newborn. When people gave me this advice I thought they were delusional. I was so scared of her vulnerability I wished she would get older quicker. But now I wish I had savored more the smell of her newborn skin, the smallness of her fist, the sheer newness of her. It really goes by so fast.
5) Stay Home with Your Newborn As Much As Possible. At the time I thought I needed to be out and about showing my baby the world around her. And maybe I felt a little cabin fever myself. We walked to coffeeshops and I took her on two visits across state lines. But she was stressed and I was stressed and now I think that sitting on the couch for three months is really not so bad. Its only three months.
Okay so lets see what advice I am getting now that I will regret not following......
I now present my list of advice I WISHED I followed regarding pregnancy and having an infant:
1) Enjoy your pregnancy. Ha-easier said then done...but still I think I could've enjoyed it more. I know that pregnancy loss is real and the worst thing in the world. Still I wish I had savored that oddness that is feeling pregnant.
2) Write down something about your new baby every single day, no matter how short it is or how tired you are. So much of the first month is a blur. I wish I knew more about the hours she slept or how often she ate, how many diapers I changed a day. (Honestly if I could have a videotape of every moment of her first three months I would LOVE that)
3) Nursing will get better after 6 weeks. I guess I listened to this advice, but I never believed it for real because nursing was so painful and frustrating. It got so much better. It got great. I can't explain it but its one of the most empowering things I have done in my life. Highly recommended.
4) Enjoy the newborn stage. Its true that I thought I might lose my mind with my often crying newborn. When people gave me this advice I thought they were delusional. I was so scared of her vulnerability I wished she would get older quicker. But now I wish I had savored more the smell of her newborn skin, the smallness of her fist, the sheer newness of her. It really goes by so fast.
5) Stay Home with Your Newborn As Much As Possible. At the time I thought I needed to be out and about showing my baby the world around her. And maybe I felt a little cabin fever myself. We walked to coffeeshops and I took her on two visits across state lines. But she was stressed and I was stressed and now I think that sitting on the couch for three months is really not so bad. Its only three months.
Okay so lets see what advice I am getting now that I will regret not following......
Disbelief
I thought about my post about feet and how it might sound...as if biological connections were such an important thing. I can see how other Moms might feel about that and that might be insensitive. What I wanted to convey more was my sense of disbelief that I do have a daughter. I was someone who felt certain she would not arrive.
Sometimes I forget the TTC part is over. I got my first period the other day and when I saw the blood I felt alarmed, just like the old days. I have some clothes that I wore the day I had the miscarriage and I never wore them during my pregnancy. I felt like it was bad luck. I shove those clothes to the back of the drawer and then I remember that she is already here.
Sometimes I forget the TTC part is over. I got my first period the other day and when I saw the blood I felt alarmed, just like the old days. I have some clothes that I wore the day I had the miscarriage and I never wore them during my pregnancy. I felt like it was bad luck. I shove those clothes to the back of the drawer and then I remember that she is already here.
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