Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Hope Springs Eternal

After the last BFN, I told myself that there was no way I would feel optimistic about any upcoming cycle. But here it is, close to the IUI, and I'm feeling positive again. Part of me feels like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. But another part of me knows that the days of optimism are a welcome relief.
And, we are trying a new donor, thanks the previous donor selling out.
Fingers crossed!!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

void of humor and grace

well, i truly intended to accept the end of this cycle with uncharacteristic humor, grace, and optimism. despite this plan, it didn't happen. i got my period on thankgiving, which was so early i thought it might be implantation spotting. but of course by the end of the day, i knew it was over. just in time for a surprise visit from my cousin and her three babies under the age of 5.

i bet everyone who struggles with ttc or pregnancy loss knows all the feelings you can have about holidays. i don't know if i could articulate it well here, but something about not being pregnant for holidays makes me feel gayer somehow, not in a good way. i thought i had conquered the beast of internalized homophobia, but it has returned with a vengeance. when i sat there on thanksgiving, i struggled with a feeling of freakiness, a 'what is wrong with me' shame that felt familiar. it was the same isolation i felt when i was a teenager, scared of being queer. leaving family events to go be myself. feeling like no one understood or noticed what i was going through. but this time, its not really about being gay, its about feeling like a failure. its about feeling betrayed by myself.

i wouldn't want anyone to read this to think that i think there is anything at all wrong with being queer. i am a proud out person who is active in lgbt circles. i love my partner and i love the queer community. i want nothing more than to join the ranks of the lgbt parents. i'm startled though, by how much my pregnancy loss has affected my sense of myself. i really thought i had this stuff beat.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Vomiting, not the good kind

Today I took an early test and it was negative. I had really felt pregnant. The other night, I woke up vomiting. Now I'm thinking that was food poisoning. It was too early to be a pregnancy symptom but what the hell are you supposed to think when you throw up for no apparent reason during the two week wait? I felt really pregnant the past two days with sore boobs and queasiness.

I wasn't even going to take the damn early test anyway. I wanted to wait until I missed my period. But the doctor said to start progesterone as soon as I got a positive test and I'm leaving for 5 days. So, I felt like I was testing for the best interests of the kid, since I won't be able to get the prescription filled for a week.

I have felt pregnant before when I wasn't, especially when I was on clomid. But this felt real. I am thinking I must have a really powerful brain reaction to cause psychosomatic symptoms like this. Ugh.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

I don't remember when I became obsessed with having a child. I know that I always always pictured myself having kids. I always said "When I have kids...." For years, I loved reading parenting books with titles like "How to Raise an Empathic Child" or "Games to Teach Your Child Creativity." I might have read every baby name description from A to Z. Those things were always fun for me. But I don't remember when the desire to have a baby started to take over my mental energy. I don't remember when it started to feel (as a commentor put it) like I didn't have a choice in the matter. Of course I have choices about what I DO. But I don't feel like I have a choice about how badly I want to do this. And I don't remember when not having a child started to cause me pain.

When I went to see the therapist about the miscarriage, Lovely Partner had a great insight. She said it was a good idea for me to get help with grief about the miscarriage and the stress of TTC. However, she also thought that I needed support because I was experiencing a radical shift in my identity due to the intensity of my desire to mother. She wasn't saying it was a bad thing, just that psychologically its a big switch to wake up and feel very incomplete about something you didn't feel incomplete about before.

The other day, I was trying to place the time it started to feel so intense. I remembered when Lovely Partner and I went to a ceremony that included children singing Christmas music. I remembered that I was crying because I was so sad not to have a kid singing up there. When I first thought of this memory, I was thinking that I was so sad at the time because of the miscarriage. But then I remembered that it was last December (Christmas music should've been my clue!) That means it was before we even started TRYING.

So yeah I can't explain it, but I want to have a baby real bad.

Give My Regards to Broadway

My TWW parallels the Broadway strike. As the newspapers note each day of the strike ( "Broadway strike on Day 7," ) I can't help but notice it is the same number of days that I am past iui. It's not often that I get a reminder of what day I am on from the New York Times.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Two Year Wait

Lovely partner and I have been making decisions based on the possible baby for two years now.
There is a million reasons why not having a baby and not being pregnant sucks, but the impact on our life reaches pretty far.

It is really hard to switch jobs when you think you might need that maternity leave in 9 months. We've chosen to live in state-with-second-parent-adoption instead of state-without-second-parent-adoption (Screw you home state!!). Both of our families and a lot of our friends are in the "state without." I miss them. And then of course there is the things we didn't do with the money that we are spending on the baby. Or rather, the pursuit of the baby.

If there was a baby, I think I would feel fine with these short term sacrifices. The problem is, they are becoming long term sacrifices and we don't know for how long.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Two Week Wait of the Spotless Mind

My goal this cycle: forget the two week wait. Erase it from my mind. No thoughts, no stress. A two week cruise down the river in Egypt. Except I'm blogging about it? Maybe not the best strategy......But still, its better. Its easier to be blase right now because I felt like we did not have good timing anyway. I'm not acting pregnant during the TWW like I used to. My first cycle, I gave up white flour, sugar, and caffeine. I freaked out when I grabbed the wrong glass at a wedding and had a sip of vodka. I forced myself to eat handfuls of spinach every day. However, I'm trying a different approach now. Last night I had a glass of sangria. Today, a root beer float. Forgetting forgetting....

Things that made it harder to forget that I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant:
1) Going to a party and seeing someone with the same due date as I wouldve had if I did not miscarry. Lovely partner told me she almost threw up when we saw her, even though we were prepared for it.

2) Seeing my cousin's beautiful baby, born through IVF after years and years of TTC.

3) Looking at the calendar seeing the wait will end on Thanksgiving.

My goal for thanksgiving is to be thankful, no matter what the outcome of this wait is.

My blessings are something I definately don't want to forget.

Friday, November 9, 2007

I should've skipped tennis for gymastics

This morning after the at home insem, I really tried everything I could think of to make the sperm swim in the right direction. I really wished I could do a handstand. From what I've read, this is not a requirment for conception. I still think it would've been cool.

Working through a Miscarriage

At a staff lunch meeting, my co-worker I will call X announced that his wife is pregnant. He was bouncing off the walls with happiness about the eight week ultrasound. People started to go around the table telling ultrasound stories, mostly not pregnancy related. I did not tell mine, as it is very unpleasant and no one at work knows that I was ever pregnant. Co-worker X asked another male co-worker, Z, for advice about being a dad. Co-worker Z said "Well, wait to the second trimester to tell people" (Which is kind of rude, obviously)

Co-worker X said "Why?"

Then no one knew what to say, because bringing up miscarriage to someone when they anounce their pregnancy is kind of awkward. But then someone alluded to it. Co-worker X said "Oh.....I never thought of that."

I thought, "It would be nice to live in a world where miscarriage never even occured to you."

Wait, people have sex to make babies?!

Today was the first at home insem. Lovely partner did a great job--it was like she has done this a thousand times. (She assures me she hasn't---I'm the first girl she has tried to knock up. )
So we were at home, on our bed, and it was all good. And it seeemed hillarious too, that we would have sex to try to make a baby. I know this is how most babies are made. But it never really sunk in before. I thought that if sperm was free, we would we doing this all the time!
Fun inseminations-- Are you kidding me? That rocks.

We followed it up with another IUI tonight. Both times we went to the clinic there was children there playing in the waiting room. I've never seen one there the other 12 times we have been there. So I'm hoping its a positive sign. I don't really believe in these kinds of signs, but I will take what hope I can get.

I've also made the radical decision (for me) that I am not taking my temperature anymore. It has been too much stress. And I don't want to "know" tomorrow that this cycle didn't work because I haven't ovulated yet and be crushed for the two week wait. Let's face it, the tww is long enough even when you are feeling like your timing was right. Since we are moving on to monitored/trigger shot IUIs if the next few cycles don't work, we don't really need the information about my cycle patterns as much anymore. But we do need a good night sleep and a seriously less stressful process.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

What to Expect When You Are Not Expecting

I woke up expecting my day would consist of my first therapy appointment, work, and a walk with a friend. Instead, I woke up with an LH surge. On cycle day 11. Which makes no sense, given my typical cycles. So I run to the therapy appointment and lovely partner calls to schedule the IUI. Our plans for the next couple days look totally different. We are going to the first one tonight, but I'm not optimistic. I think the LH is tricking us, and I still won't ovulate until later. But how mad would I be if I woke up with a high temp tomorrow? I'm also not encouraged about my chance for success with a day 12 follicle.. My sense is that an early follicle wouldn't be as viable. And, despite the LH and some CM, I don't feel like I'm ovulating. Every month I tell myself I can't control the timing and that I need to let it go. And every month, I can't believe how much the timing seems to suck.

Therapy was okay. I didn't feel tons better. I didn't feel any worse. I think I conveyed how stressed TTC has been. But I don't think I expressed how pointless my life has started to feel. I dont think that a life without children is pointless. But I feel like nothing in my life holds very much interest for me, except having a baby. This could be depression talking.

For example, I keep having this thought that I don't want to celebrate holidays this year. My thought process is something like "What is the point of doing this stuff without my kid here"
That isn't even rational. I've always liked holidays and never had a kid for them.
I'm sure part of it is that I was supposed to be 8 months pregnant at Christmas. And I am zero months nothing.

Regardless, I actually don't want to feel like this about my life, baby or no baby. That is what I am hoping therapy can help with.

So, seriously, I've got to get ready for an IUI now. What should I wear? I used to try to dress up or wear something significant. But tonight, I am totally wearing sweatpants. You know, because I am SURE that will make the outcome different.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Expanding Stomach, Shrinking Heads

At the urging of my lovely partner, I've decided to find a therapist to help me deal with the post-miscarriage, mid-ttc depression. I only looked for therapists that specialized in fertility issues. I didn't want to spend any time or money trying to explain to someone why a cycle day twelve temperature drop drove me to tears, or what an LH surge means. So I looked and found one and I already have an appointment for tomorrow morning. I'm feeling more optimistic that I can feel better someday. When the therapist called me on the phone I mentioned the miscarriage and immediately she was empathetic and mentioned the emotional stress and the physical stress a miscarriage can cause. This made me like her right away because I was glad that she mentioned both aspects.

My body is different since I was pregnant, and it is a creepy reminder. My breasts and stomach are fuller. Part of it is the clomid, I'm sure. But to have a more pregnant looking body and no clothes that fit has been another cause of sadness.

I hope I can feel better. I know people have tried to get pregnant for a lot longer then me and I can't always explain why the stress of this has been turning me upside down so much.

And we are ready for Try #7!

It is nice to be feeling a little more optimistic today. Maybe tomorrow will help too.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

First Try for Blog, 7th Try for Baby

I’ve been reading all these lesbian TTC blogs and I feel like I’m invested in everyone’s stories. I write the occassional encouraging or congrats comment. Sometimes I’m encouraged–it seems like most people are getting pregnant. Sometimes I’m discouraged, so many people are struggling with the exact same things. Sometimes I feel like it will never happen for me. And then sometimes I stop reading the blogs of those who get pregnant because the stories about their symptoms and their tickers make me sad, even when I am happy for them. I’ve been pregnant once. We miscarried on the day before my 8 week ultrasound in June. The embyro was at 5.5 weeks. We’ve tried twice since then. Both times I was sure I was pregnant. MFing Clomid and its MindFing ways. This can’t be a blog about cheerfulness and optimism. The truth is that for me TTC has not been a happy time. Its been stressful, obsessive, and with loss. And, we are going broke from trying.