The other day, my cousin told me that she told her 6 year old that my partner and I were married. Technically, we are not married and haven't had any ceremonies, but I understand she was trying to validate our relationship by calling it that. Her 6 year old was aghast and said "But then the baby will have two Moms?!" To which she replied, "Isn't that great?!" My cousin was trying to have a teachable moment with her kid, which I appreciated. (Not that I love hearing the "people, including children, will think you are a freak" stories as a general rule).
Later, I relayed the story to my Mom, sister, and sister-in law. I told it in a humorous lighthearted way. I wasn't that upset by a 6 year old's confusion on the issue.
To my shock, my Mom said "Why would she tell such a young kid that?" I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. My Mom had some rough years when I came out but in general is practically at PFLAG Mom status at this point. She also has expressed nothing but excitement and support about upcoming kid.
All I could muster as a response was "Why wouldn't she tell him, MY baby is going to know." Then I dropped it. We were at a family party after all, and my family is not the type to argue in public. There was an uncomfortable silence and my SIL cocked an eyebrow like she was shocked my Mom woud say that. (Sweetly, she spend the whole next day saying validating comments about me and partner's relationship)
But, then I went to my sister's house and cried and cried. I couldn't believe my Mom was suggesting my relationship with my partner should be hidden. The fact that it was implied it should be hidden from a small child made it even worse. Talk about feeling freakish.
My sister tried to comfort me and told me how mad she was at what my Mom said. And I kept crying.
I thought about the baby and how I didn't want her to deal with the idea that she should be ashamed of her family. I got a sense of how upsetting subtle comments could be to me, and her. Of course, I knew the baby would experience homophobia in her life, but I didn't think about how it could come from loving well-meaning family members as well.
My Mom called that night and asked my sister how things were going. I am pretty sure that she knew it was the wrong thing to say. Since then, she also has made some extra LGBT family friendly gestures like giving us a rainbow themed children's book. My Mom and I haven't talked about the conversation that wasn't yet, which I know doesn't say much about my adult communication skills. I'm still planning too.
I am honestly surprised by how upset I was. But the thing that struck me the most was how oddly maternal I felt about the baby. It is the closest I have come to experiencing the protective Mother Lion"Don't you DARE hurt my child" sensibility I have heard about. I know it sounds bizarre, but pregnancy has been so surreal/unreal that I am strangely comforted to know that I might, someday, think and feel like I would want a parent to think and feel.
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3 comments:
Oh, Sarah. That hurts so much. It actually sounds a lot like my mom. She has it together most of the time and is super accepting. But then she'll go and drop some really retro/dinosaur comment that makes me wonder how ok she is with me, afterall. The latest was when she told me that she just doesn't tell her (largely conservative) colleagues at work about my relationship. "It's just none of their business." I think she thought she was protecting me from gossip in my old (small) hometown. She didn't get why it upset me. Until I asked her if she also hid my sister's marriage from them. Anyway, big hugs.
That's got to hurt. It's so surprising and shocking to be hit with those pockets of remaining homophobic attitude in those that seem loving and fully accepting. I hope when you feel able to have that conversation with her that it goes well.
you have every right to be upset, both for yourself and for you kiddo-to-be. the amazing thing about having a baby is that it forces our parents to confront their homophobia and step up in ways they never have before. the stakes--a respectful and loving relationship with their grandkid--are just too high. good luck.
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