Homesick

I'm from a small town and soon I will be going back for my dear friend-since-second-grade's wedding. Small town is four square miles, conservative, and proud of it. I've had a hate-hate relationship with the place my whole life. Well, once I left for college I didn't give it too much energy so "hate" is probably too strong a word. Disdain maybe? When I was a teenager I once told my parents that raising a child in such an environment was harmful. They are not conservative people and I think I really hurt their feelings.

I skipped my high school reunions and this wedding is the closest thing to it. Being pregnant adds a different dimension. On a superficial level, I discovered shopping was more difficult. I knew I would need a new dress but forgot I would need new shoes and a bra since both are too small. According to the maternity store, my new bra size is one that is also a nickname for a party drug. Seriously? And maternity store doesn't do refunds or exchanges! Seriously?

People I used to be friends with in high school will be at the wedding. You know, the kind of friend that you don't remember why you were such good friends with them. I saw some at the wedding shower and it was totally awkward. I didn't tell one of my high school friends I was pregnant because I just...felt weird about it. I can't explain why I felt wary of telling her, she knows I am queer and everything. I just felt her negative judgement towards our future child on a gut level. Before I told her. Which doesn't make sense. It's been bothering me. I am a pretty out person in general but something about the pregnancy brought out a new dimension of uneasiness. The thought of someone judging me negatively for being queer doesn't get to me too much, but the thought of someone thinking I am unfit to mother my baby really upset me.

I also shared the baby news with another friend from the past who I will always care about. She is open-minded and good hearted but never left small town. She reacted as if I told her I eat babies for lunch. She caught herself and said "Congratulations" but not after saying "How did this happen? I have a million questions, are you SERIOUS?" Lovely said she felt like we were a freak show.

A third "friend" from Small Town who I haven't heard from in a while emailed a long chatty letter and asked what was new. I responded that I was pregnant and never heard back. Her silence could have nothing to do with my answer, but who knows?

I know this kind of stuff is going to happen to our family all the time. That I need a thicker skin.
Here in Big City, we are in such a bubble of LGBT friendliness that I forget. I see LGBT folks everywhere I go in my gayborhood. There is a park less then five minutes from my house that is considered the "lesbian mom" park. I know other LGBT parents and many who are trying. I don't experience homophobia on a concrete level in daily life and I don't feel freakish here either. Lovely is gonna adopt our baby in a month after the birth. It is totally legal. I feel blessed.

So here is the thing: I'm homesick. I still don't feel like Big City is my home even though I've lived here for four years and in many ways, I love it here. Whenever we return to Big City from a visit "home" I see the gorgeous skyline emerge and I feel a sinking sadness. Lovely asked me what I thought the sinking feeling was in reaction to and I said "The city does not care that we are back."

I wonder what will happen when the baby comes. Right now I am thinking I will want to flee "home." I will want my baby to have the benefit of extended family nearby that I did-- a blessing that I believe saved me from the despair I felt as a young person. I want my baby to be close to her grandparents and her aunts and uncles.

Yet, I think of how damaging I thought growing up in Small Town was, and I don't really want my daughter growing up outside the Queer Bubble. There really is no equivalent of the Queer Bubble back home. I want her to see families like hers when she walks with us to get ice cream. I want her to go to Pride and celebrate with a million people each June. I don't think Queer Bubbles are the only good place for LGBT folks to raise their kids. I know this is about my own insecurities and character issues. I want my daughter to know me as someone who is comfortable in her own skin and not someone who would ever be nervous about reactions to a baby bump at a shower.

I want her to feel at home.