A Year Ago

A year ago this week I miscarried.

The bleeding started on Tuesday and we went to the ER (diagnosis: "threatened miscarriage/abortion"). Wednesday I had large amounts of blood and we went to the ER again. (Diagnosis: Miscarriage). On Thursday the Ob/Gyn confirmed it was "complete." I spent the next few days taking all the percocet the doctor prescribed. Even though there wasn't too much physical pain.

The weekend following the miscarriage, I alternated between watching DVDs in a narcotic haze and walking around my neighborhood, trying my best to be distracted by the annual neighborhood celebration. My sister, Lovely's Mom, and out of town friends had already planned visits for this weekend and so they were there. (Thankfully they weren't all staying with us). It was a beautiful sunny weekend. Hot the way I like it to be. I was bleeding a lot.

On Sunday afternoon, Lovely and I were walking alone together through the festival. Maybe the percocet wore off or maybe I was just waiting to be away from the visitors, but I had a meltdown on the street near the crowds and the vendors. I pointed out to Lovely all the people standing in the street saying "Look, that person wasn't a miscarriage" "That person wasn't either" "All these people are alive" and I started crying.

It was one of those striking moments when you feel completely out of sync with the world. All around me the sun was shining, kids were running with balloons, topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Under ordinary circumstances, I would've loved this day.
Nobody really seemed to notice how upset I was, or how out of place I must have been. Lovely took me home.

That night I decided to step outside again and there was a concert going on closing the festival for the day. I met a friend there who knew what happened. She asked me "Are you feeling better today?"

"No" I said, laughing slightly. It seemed absurd to me that anyone might think I was feeling better.

That was a year ago.

This weekend, Lovely and I walked through the festival. The sun was shining, the topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Lovely and I asked a random couple about whether they liked the stroller they were using. And I am 6 months pregnant.

Sometimes, a lot can change in a year.