Yesterday was another trip to the ER. This time it wasn't me freaking out, but an actual scare. I was fine when I went to work, but all the sudden I felt very intense pain and pressure near the womb. It felt like something (somone) was pushing out. It was so intense, I could barely get out of my chair. It didn't go away quickly, and it didn't feel like round ligament pain. It felt scary. It was so painful I thought it was labor. After about a half hour, it subsided, but then it came back as bad as before. So Icalled Lovely Partner and told my boss I was leaving. I took the familiar road back to the hospital. This time I got to go to OB/Gyn Triage, instead of regular ER, which was a relief. I didn't have to wait at all and the nurses, midwives, and doctors were helpful, warm, and reassuring. They explained every single thing to me and answered all my questions. The first thing they did was check the baby's heartbeat, which was fine. They put me on a thing to monitor contractions and found some "irritability" that was not high enough to be pregnancy contractions but high enough to indicate a problem. Thankfully, the midwife, um, discovered that my cervix was fine and not dialating at all. Turns out, I have an infection and have to take antibiotics. The doctor said not taking the meds could really increase my chance of pre-term labor due to the infection. This is not thrilling news. I was planning on being med-free this pregnancy. Obviously, I'm concerned about the effects of meds and infections on the baby's health. The pain (it really hurts to walk) is not something I planned on either. However, at the same time, it was great news because I was not in pre-term labor. I also have to stay home and do nothing for five days. (small small complaint: over a holiday weekend when my sibs are visiting!)
There is so much good news in this event: Baby okay, I'm okay, hospital staff where we deliver was fantastic, etc. As I reclined in the hospital bed with monitors on me and learned that it was not pre-term labor, I was so relieved. Happy even. But when I got home, I crashed. Another scary day. Another day thinking my baby was in jeopardy, looking for signs of life. Straining to hear the heartbeat on the doppler as I held my breath.
More awful images of calls I would have to make telling people I lost another baby.
I felt the kicking for the first time this week and it was thrilling. The best feeling in the world. I thought it would help me relax to feel it. (It does, for minutes). But here I am, scared and anxious again. Wondering how the hell I am going to be able to mother a baby with this much fear inside me. Alarmed about the unexpected the rest of the pregnancy will bring. Worrying about what will happen if I google the name of the medicine and the infection.
What thoughts will go through my head with nothing to do for five days of abbreviated bed rest?
I know a lot of people have scarier circumstances then this: actual pre-term labor, actual bed rest, questionable ultrasounds. The doctors even said that my infection was the best outcome for my symptoms.
I wanted more then anything to be pregnant, and I'm so grateful--but I haven't been enjoying it too much.
It makes me terrified that I will not be able to enjoy my baby either.
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2 comments:
I hope you DO get to relax (I haven't). I'm glad it was an easily-remedied infection, but very scary all the same.
Sometimes, despite all the best intentions in the world, you DO need meds of one kind or another.
Oh, Sarah. I'm so sorry that there have been these (very) scary moments, and even sorrier that the fear feels pervasive, and that scared is more common than joyful. It seems totally reasonable, given what you've been through. Not that that is a comfort at all. I hope that it gets better and better, with the kicking and the increased awareness of your daughter inside. Good luck with the bedrest. Thinking of you so much.
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