I feel like I am not accurately portraying life with my infant. There is so much about being a Mom is great, and also much that makes me feel incompetent.
For example:
1) I'm not good at bathing her. She's so slippery and it freaks me out. I always call my partner in to help me. It seems like something I should be able to pull off on my own.
2) I often can't comfort her. She cries and is miserable. I thought that fed, dry babies stop crying when their Mom picks them up. Not the case with the Not-Always-Sunny-Sunshine.
3) Sometimes, I still feel bad about the epidural/epi. That maybe I missed out on some crucial bonding moment with her that I can't make up because I wasn't centered enough.
4) I'm not calm and collected when my baby screams in public. (See #2)
5) I feel sad for my partner that because of my age we put my dreams (having a baby) in front of her dreams (traveling, exciting career). With all our money in fertility and child care, she doesn't have freedom I did when I was younger. She loves Sunshine so much, but I know she has sacrificed more then I have.
6) I'm having trouble with my sling. I swear some of the hip mamas around are looking at me like "You suck with that messed up sling, you imposter!"
7) I worry that my mothering skills are being negatively evaluated often. (See #6). I know I should not care what people think so much.
8) I feel guilty when I get bored at home, or am wishing I could just check my email. I love her more then anything, but sometimes its taxing to take care of a baby.
9) I have trouble with getting onesies on still. Why must baby clothes be pulled over a baby's head? Every baby I have ever seen HATES this.
10) While nursing is going fine now, I still don't know when she has eaten enough, when she is hungry vs. wanting to suck, etc. I don't trust my intuition on this.
Its not that I need to be comforted about this, or be told I'm doing a good job or anything like that. I am mostly thinking about the identity shift that has happened. In some ways I am a different person, but in many ways, I feel the same. I am not someone who this stuff happens for naturally...like all those hip mamas with their calm infants in the slings!
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5 comments:
oh it is so not just you. i think all of those things are just hard. skip the sling; we could never get our daughter in one without her crying, and when we did, our backs hurt. we love the moby.
All of this seems so familiar! My boy is 4 weeks old and I'm feeling many of the same things. I guess it's just a learning process - getting to know each other and learning to read the baby's cues. Is very hard though. And it's impossible not to feel judged incessantly by everybody. Maybe even those seemingly super competent hip mamas feel all this too but are just better at hiding it?
This parenting gig can be hard! You didn't ask for assvice, but I'm going to chuck some at you anyway. Feel free to ignore, and please note that I don't intend to come across as a know-it-all, but I want to comment on some of your points.
1) I find it easier to take the baby into the bath or shower with me. He likes that much better anyway. He's had maybe 4 baths on his own and hated it.
2) There is an interesting article about in-arms crying and healing that makes sense to me with regard to both my boys, though I don't agree with certain parts of it http://www.instinctiveparenting.com/flex/crying_and_emotional_release_in_babies_the_aware_parenting_approach/163/1
4) Deep breathing, holding, gentle talking.
6) What kind do you have?
7) Screw everyone and their opinions.
8) It's hard work!
9) Can you get some all-in-one suits that have snaps down the front?
10) I put TTG to the breast whenever I think he might want it, even if it is for comfort sucking because comfort is a legitimate need and it's also good for milk supply.
It's..... interesting to have control of yourself and your life, and maybe your career job, social life, then all of a sudden you have this little baby and you can just feel so inept and helpless. Definitely can be a big change.
I think a lot of calm parents fake it in public. I know I do sometimes lol.
I so know tha feeling. My kiddo is 2 1/2 and I STILL feel that way oftentimes. Yesterday when he screamed and sobbed and stomped his little booted feet while lying in the middle of the floor of the streetcar at rush hour, I thought I would die. And I could see the millions of little commuter eyes staring at me dissaprovingly but when I let go (which I sorta did, but am not good at) of my worry about them, and just focused on getting home it helped. Not with the writhing mess of snot and kicks on the floor, but with my mental health.
Oh, and when we first got the sling I swore I would never use it-- it was too complicated. My partner loved it and eventually I mostly got it to work for me too... I used an ergo carrier/babytrekker a lot of the time too which was great and cozy and allowed me to do things around the house while my son slept... I found it an easier format of babywearing (esp when they get big and you can wear them on your back!)
I have a suggestions for #2/4/7/8 and maybe 10. I'm not sure if you have tried this, but one thing you may want to look into (and I'll admit that I'm biased, but I know that it really does work for a lot of babies) is the Happiest Baby techniques. It's true that some fed and dry babies still cry but many respond well to those 5 Ss. Also, there are a lot of slings out there, so you may want to try a different kind, at least until your little one gets a bit bigger. Different slings for different things (and stages). Also, while I'm not there personally yet, I know from my clients and friends that no one feels completely competent in every aspect of baby care...or life for that matter. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!
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