I use pseudonyms for this blog, which makes this story difficult to tell.
My name is Sarah Soda. My girlfriend is Lovely Partner. Our baby, Sunshine, has her last name. This was a decision we came to mutually. I gave our baby my DNA, she gave our baby her name. We don't have a double or hypenated last name. Our baby has two MIDDLE names, one of which is my last name. We are totally fine with this.
So, our baby is Sunshine Middle Soda Partner. (Which sounds like it is from the Sarah Palin Name Generator Game). To make it more confusing, Sunshine's real name is somewhat unusual and has a commonly used nickname, Sunny. Both my last name and my partner's name are also not pronounced as they are spelled. None of us have androgynous names. I love Sunshine's name, but I also recognize it's a name with issues.
After Sunshine was born, we received a lot of presents for her in the mail. An overwhelming, much-appreciated amount of packages. Since we live in an apartment with a broken doorbell on a busy street in an urban neighborhood, we did not receive many of the packages, but instead got a card from the post office asking us to pick them up at the Post office.
They have been addressed to: Sunshine Soda, Sunshine Partner, Sunny, Sunny c/o of Partner, Lovely and Sarah, Sunshine Soda Partner, Ms. Lovely Partner and Ms. Sarah Partner, Sunny Soda, Ms. Sunshine M.S. Partner etc. You get the idea.
So I go to the post office to pick up a bunch of packages. Anticipating a problem, I have Lovely sign the form that says I can pick up packages in her name, plus her Driver's License. I get to the post office right before it closes, and soon a long line is behind me. I hand over 4 cards all with different variations of the name, plus my I.D. and Lovely's I.D.
Postal Worker says "Well these packages appear to be for "Sunshine" and then there is one for "Ms. Lovely Partner, so what ones are you picking up"
Me: "Sunshine is a baby, she can't pick them up, so I am, and Lovely Partner signed here that I can pick her packages up"
Postal Worker "Well.....you only have a signature from Lovely Partner, when the packages are for Sunshine Partner."
Me: "Sunshine is an infant, so I am picking them up"
Postal Worker "Who is the Mom then?" (Crowd behind me gets impatient as Postal Worker scrutinizes all the I.D.s, all the cards, all the variations of Sunshine's name)
Me: "Both of Us" (Postal Worker doesn't hear me, still scrutinizing)
Postal Worker "What, who's the Mom?"
Me: "Her"
So yep, in a rush, with an impatient crowd behind me, I actually denied I was my daughter's mother. For what sociologist Goffman calls "ease of interaction." I wouldn't have done this if Sunshine was a grown child, and listening. (I don't think so anyway, although I would consider safety, her wishes, etc). But in this case, it was the quickest easiest way to get the packages. I know the same thing would happen for Lovely if Sunshine had my last name. I imagine this kind of thing will happen a lot. It still felt very weird.
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3 comments:
oh boy... so hard. the name not matching thing is made SO much more infuriating when, because you are both women, you are questioned as to the very nature of your relationship to your own daughter. we have decided that dakota will take my last name in hopes of dealing with some of that/shoving it in their faces ;) we are going to make her last name all of the family's middle name. i will change my middle name and use her *maiden* name as my last name and she will keep her *maiden* name as her middle name and take my last name. any kid we are luck enough to finally have will have *our* last name. i am sure there will still be many many moments where we are faced with the same thing even so... grrrrr
We have totally had those moments too. where its easier to just give someone an answe, even if its not the right one, and get on our way!
As for the crazy name game, my son, has one of those as well. His is: "Mxxxxxx Non-bio-known-donor biological-donor My familyname hyphen Partner's name. Essentially what that means is his middle names are his fathers' family names, and his family name is Jen's and mine hyphenated. the poor thing. But it is unbearably cute when he says his whole name in his little 2 year old voice. Its breaks my heart...
It sucks having to explain your family, especially to a postal worker just to get your damn packages!
We all have the same last name but the "real mom" questions pops up now and again. Funny thing is that most people assume that I carried both our kids, and look for similarities between them (they also have diff donors).
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