The Questions Begin

I originally wanted this blog to be being a lesbian mom. But then, Sunshine was born the "Mom" part took over and there didn't seem to be much to say. It's been two years of diapers, milestones, exhaustion, cute stories. I haven't had to think too much about being part of a queer family.

So, now Sunshine is 2.8.

Tonight, lovely partner walks in and tells me that for the first time (that we know of) Sunshine said "I have Daddy?" Lovely told her"No, you don't have a Daddy...You have Momma, Mommy, Grandma, Papa...etc" and Sunshine kept naming other family members.

I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I knew of course, these questions would come. But I didn't know it would be so soon. I didn't know I would feel so bad. I just hate the thought of her feeling any pain, at all. Or that there is something wrong with her or her family.

It used to feel more abstract and hypothetical. I read all the books about donor kids and explaining it to them, blah blah blah.

I thought I had planned for this, but I feel like I have no idea what to do with how I feel.

Papa Can You Hear Me?

Sunshine, 19 months, has learned the word "Papa." She started calling her Grandpa "Papa" and we all thought it was sweet.

However, we discovered that she thinks men in general are "Papa."

Cue to Sunshine on the train in her stroller agressively pointing to strange men yelling "PAPA!! PAPPA!"

Fellow passengers found it hillarious.

Imagine if they knew the story of her conception!

Who's First?

I finally wrote the sperm bank and asked them if any families who used Sunshine's donor were registered with their contact list. We weren't going register, just yet. Even though we plan to, really want to, especially when Sunshine is young. We just want to know if others are on the list. I've been putting it off because the year was already overwhelming. I think I will feel attached to those kids. Will I? I think about them, I know they exist. I think about the donor, with a combination of 90% gratitude and 10% curiosity.

I thought that contacting people on the family list would be nice...a few emails, pictures, etc. I had a vision of nice lesbians families who we could visit with Sunshine, drama free. In my mind, these families all live in warm weather states. Since Sunshine will have always known about these kids, she might feel less of a loss about her biological roots (maybe? right?) and she would know more AI kids, more queer families.

So, I thought, hey, I will just check out to see if anyone else is registered and then we can decide from there.

The sperm bank people (best customer service of any place I have ever encountered) wrote back a nice response right away. No one is registered yet.

I felt surprisingly (a little) sad. I wonder when/if we will meet any of these families.

Home Work

Sunday, Sunshine turned one. I work at home on Thursday. This means that right now I have my work email open and I check voicemail constantly. I try to get things done, and I try to be more efficient the days I am in the office. I let close-to-walking Sunshine destroy my house and then at 3 p.m. (naptime!) I put it back together again. Right now she is playing with tupperware and greeting cards. A moment ago she was playing with the dogs water bowl (yuck!) and cans of seltzer water. The child is obsessed with opening drawers

This post interupted because Sunshine stole the mouse. She loves the mouse with its flashing light and obvious importance to me. Only the keyboard is better in her mind.

Ok, boss, I will try to work on the report as soon as I can grab dasjildsjakdsalkj;dd

Sigh. Happy Birthday, Kid. You eruioriuoewjsadkl;aj.

Summer Summary

Thanks everybody who filled out or passed on the LambdaLegal survey! And who asked how I was doing!I'm doing good, just not doing good at finding time for blogging.

My Sunshine is doing great. She is a cheerful little one, who often delights us with her expressions of sheer joy. She is a very big 9 month old baby who crawls and stands and eats solids. How'd that happen?! She doesn't talk much or say a lot of consonants (how much should I worry about those milestone charts?) but loves to interact. She does not sleep through the night, not even close. She wakes up several times just distraught. Not like "I want milk, I want comfort" but like.....distraught. Its so upsetting. And then each morning, she smiles and plays with her toys while we stumble around looking for caffeine.

Lovely partner is on maternity leave this summer and she loves that. She is shocked at how much fun she is having and how little she cares about missing work. Yesterday she told me she might want to be a housewife after all. (Okay, so that is two of us now, please send lotto tickets) Her maternity leave also greatly simplifies our general household stress level.

We had fun at Pride with Sunshine. We have a Lesbian Moms group. I think about being a lesbian about 90% less time then I think about being a Mom, though I see the way our queerness shapes many aspects of our parenting lives. Where we live, who we want to spend time with, how we worry. We frequently get asked all those questions lesbian moms talk about "What do you call yourselves?" (Who is Mommy vs. Momma etc) We get many questions about the donor's ethnicity and especially his size. It is not too big a problem right now. I know it will be harder as Sunshine starts to learn about homophobia. That is the part I hate.

Here's some things that would have been helpful for me to know earlier:

*Having a newborn is NOT what having a baby is like. It is what having a newborn is like. Knowing this would've saved me a lot of panic!

*It would've been helpful to know Sunshine earlier-ha! Then I think I would've handled newborn stress better. It was HER! Not some screaming ball of need.

*The damage that TTC can cause on a relationship between partners is not necessarily solved once the baby arrives. I neglected my relationship because of my TTC obsession. That decision has costs. Now I've got a lot of restoration work to do.

*Babies need to be a certain age/size before using booster seats in bistros. Request highchair. (You don't want to know how I learned this, except I will say I never felt like a worse Mom)

*Summer is better then winter. Okay, I ALWAYS knew that but life is such AMAZINGLY easier when you don't have to bundle a baby before you go outside.

Best wishes for a happy summer, everyone!

Survey on Unfair Health Care for LGBT folks

If you, like me, were told you couldn't get fertility treatment because you weren't heterosexual, please take this survey and let LambdaLegal know. Towards the end of the survey they ask this specific question.

I really want this issue to be picked up by a national advocacy organization and Lambda Legal does amazing work.

http://www.lambdalegal.org/take-action/partners-for-health-care-fairness/lgbt-and-hiv-health-care-fairness-survey.html

I don't think I have readers left, but on the off chance one of you sees this and can pass it on....

:) Sarah

Other Motherness

Yesterday I told my Lovely Partner that the babysitter said Sunshine likes to go to sleep with her hand around the babysitter's finger. I told the story in a "Isn't our baby the sweetest thing ever?" way.

Lovely said "She does that to Babysitter too?"

I nodded.

Lovely looked sad and said "Sunshine thinks of you as her family, but I'm just one of the other favorite babysitters."

And then I felt sad for Lovely, even though I don't think it is true. And if it IS true now, I am sure it will change.

In a not unrelated note, Lovely tells me about once a week how pissed she is at Re.becca Walker.

http://feministlawprofs.law.sc.edu/?p=3579