Birth Story (Long)

Even though I was thinking about her birth every second of every day, Sunshine's arrival still managed to surprise me. On Friday the 27th (one day past due date), I cleaned up my office at work. I told everyone "maybe I will see you Monday." And that night, I started to feel.....weird. I told Lovely "I feel like I am...hatching something."

On September 28th, I woke up at 530 and went to the bathroom, as I did for the whole pregnancy. I laid back down and within minutes I felt my water break. This was completely unambigious. It was a flood. I gently woke Lovely and said "my water broke" She said "Are you sure?'' and I laughed. I stood up and water just kept flowing. It seemed hillarious, somehow. We had been reassuring people for months "Normally labor doesn't start with a dramatic water breaking like in the movies" I felt fine. We called my family (who live 5 hours away) and Happy Doula, who told us to rest and eat. We wanted to labor at home as long as possible, and I thought it was great timing to go into labor on Saturday morning. We started organizing our things and I read political blogs, calmly. Once Lovely took the dog to day care and to pick up baked goods for the nurses, I started to feel contractions. It was most similar to stomachaches. I wrote down the times of contractions and thought "this isn't too bad." I assumed I would have a really long labor since it was my first birth and my Mom had a 50 hour labor.

These are the times I recorded for contractions, which don't even make sense:6:33, 650? (erased), 7;06, 7;38 (minor), 7:46, 7:50, 8;03, 8:14, 838, 8:36" Everything started to blur together and I didn't know when they were starting and ending.

Lovely had returned and I told her to call Happy Doula, since contractions were increasing and I was feeling in pain. I started to do all the things they said women often do in labor, like pound tables, pace around the room, open and shut cupboards. Happy Doula arrived and watched me carefully. I couldn't tell where contractions were starting and ending. I started to feel like I would vomit. I asked the doula "How was your dance competition?" and when she started to tell me I said something overly formal like "I beg your pardon, please excuse me" and I went into the bathroom. Doula gave me a towel soaked in peppermint oil which I clutched for dear life. I have no idea why this helped me so much, but peppermint is now the smell of birth for me. We drove to the hospital, and I wasn't crying but it was close. It felt like the drive took forever.

Lovely parked the car and Happy Doula and I took the long walk to Ob triage. The nurse looked at me and I said "Hello, I am in labor" They got me on a bed immediately but my body was spazzing out. I was clutching the peppermint towel like it was my lifeline. They asked if I wanted an epidural and I said yes. (I was open-minded about epidurals in birth plan, and everything was happening so fast, I barely thought about it) Lovely arrived and the doctor said I was at 6cm. I threw up. (I can't describe labor pain, except to say it takes over your entire body, as if an energy force was squeezing you down to get the last bit of toothpaste out of you) They wheeled me up to Labor and Delivery and I remember thinking that the breeze of moving fast felt so nice. But then I was crying, or yelling. The pain kept intensifying. At one point I looked at Lovely and said "Please help me" and she almost cried. Immediately after the epidural, the doctor said I was "complete, 10 cm" and everyone in the room got ready, as if a baby would fall out any second. I couldn't believe my contractions had started only a few hours ago and already I was at 10cm!

I thought at this point the baby would come right away, even before noon! Everything was happening so fast. And so I pushed my hardest, thinking that each push would be the one that worked. My sister came in the room and I laughed. It seemed so surreal that she would walk in while I was pushing a baby out. I was feeling so much better after the epidural though-- I felt like myself again. Then my Mom arrived and I called her in. This meant the doula had to leave since we reached our max of support people. Having my Mom there wasn't in the plan, but when she walked in I smiled and said "Hi Mumma" and I was glad she was there. It suddenly seemed appropriate for me. My team of nurses and doctors kept encouraging me to push. My Mom said I almost broke her hand when I was pushing. Lovely said that it was amazing. One of the nurses kept yelling "goooooooo mommmmmmy!" Everyone kept saying, "You are doing great!" which I found funny, because I didn't feel like I was doing anything---my body had taken over me completely. Lovely told me that she could see the baby's head, and that our baby had brown hair. My biggest fear in labor what was that I would be scared for my baby, but I actually wasn't. They kept giving me the numbers of her heartbeat, and I just felt like she was doing okay, and that things were going they way they were supposed to.

Alas, after two hours of hearing how "close" the baby was and being invited to feel her head, I started to get tired. I noticed the doctor's conferring with one another quietly. One doctor mentioned an epistiotomy and Lovely and I were like "Not crazy about that idea." I kept pushing. Doctors kept conferring. Lovely went over and listened to the doctor's explanation of why the epi was a good idea. The doctor said to me "This is not about the baby's health, the baby is fine, it is you that I am concerned with" (This is the opposite of what I expected doctors to say) Apparently, the doctor felt that given my,um, size and the baby's size and position, the perenium/rectum was going to tear completely soon. I don't know if this is BS, or something they always say. They did seem genuinely concerned. They didn't seem to be trying to scare me about the baby, which I appreciated. And finally, I said "Okay, take her out" So that was my 8 hour labor, which ended at 1:46 p.m.

Within a minute, the cuts were made, and a baby was on my chest. I wish I could see all of this better with my mind's eye, but I think I was in shock. Lovely said that the baby looked peaceful coming out. The doctors took her (not following birth plan, aaargh!) and started doing the tests on her under the warmer. I yelled out questions "What does she look like?" "What is the agpar?" "Tell me about my baby!" "Does she look like me?" The nurse yelled out "10 lbs, 9 oz" and everyone in the room gasped! I could see Lovely crying happily over the baby. I became irritated with the doctor stitching me up and asked for the baby. Everything felt surreal and distant I'm sad that I was practically disassociated during this time period, I started casually talking to Happy Doula about her kids. I thought about how medicalized the birth was, and I was ambivalent and somewhat embarrassed about how it all played out. I did feel badly that I didn't have the extreme high and rush of maternal feelings that some women talk about after labor. There was some highs, but these moments waiting for her were a low.

Finally, after about 25 long minutes they brought Sunshine to me. I said "Oh my baby, I missed you so much." Everybody probably thought I meant the I missed her the 25 minutes she was being poked and prodded. I meant that I missed her all the years I spent waiting for her. And I swear to fucking god she looked right at me like she knew me and was surprised to see me there.

Let the Sunshine In

I'm happy to report that our healthy 10 lbs 9 oz, 22 inches long (?!?!?) baby girl was born on Saturday September 27th. She is beautiful (I'm biased) and doing wonderfully. (I myself will need a ....recovery period, although no C-Section.) Birth story soon as I am able!

Thanks everyone for your well wishes!

If you like name and picture info, email me at Sodapop1939ATYa.ho.ho.com.

She is our Sunshine!

Let's get this Show on the road

So now I fall into the category of "people who start dilating but take a while to go into labor." I'm still pregnant. My due date is on Thursday. I had high hopes of watching Friday's Presidential Debates with her on my blue couch at home. Not sure that is gonna happen!

I had some bloody show on Friday, which made labor seem so imminent. We even coincidently rented "Best in Show" that night which seemed like it could be a funny part of the labor story: Best in Bloody Show. But now its Tuesday night and I am not having even Braxton Hicks contractions.

It is a bizarre feeling to not know what day your life will change. Will it be tomorrow? Will it be in two weeks? Before or after we finish this loaf of bread? In September or October? Each night I go to sleep wondering if I will go into labor that night.

Lovely Partner took me for a walk for spicy food tonight. She wants to get this show on the road too!

Drop On By

Normally my blog has a lot of angst and worry, but today I felt...happy. I guess this is kind of a warning to readers who might not be in the mood.

I'm nuts for musicals and today the song going through my head (and out my throat if no ones around) is "Something's Coming," which Tony sings at the begining of West Side Story. Most appropriate is the lines "There is something due any day now" and "Come on, deliver, to meeeee." Granted, WSS doesn't have the happiest of endings but that song is full of anticipation and optimism and it makes me cheerful to hear it.

What had me singing this song today was my doctor's appointment (38 weeks) when I found out the baby has dropped and I am dilated. Only 1.5cm, but still. A girl has got to start somewhere. A baby, getting ready to be born.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu7sRdRrm_w

The Conversation That Wasn't

The other day, my cousin told me that she told her 6 year old that my partner and I were married. Technically, we are not married and haven't had any ceremonies, but I understand she was trying to validate our relationship by calling it that. Her 6 year old was aghast and said "But then the baby will have two Moms?!" To which she replied, "Isn't that great?!" My cousin was trying to have a teachable moment with her kid, which I appreciated. (Not that I love hearing the "people, including children, will think you are a freak" stories as a general rule).

Later, I relayed the story to my Mom, sister, and sister-in law. I told it in a humorous lighthearted way. I wasn't that upset by a 6 year old's confusion on the issue.

To my shock, my Mom said "Why would she tell such a young kid that?" I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. My Mom had some rough years when I came out but in general is practically at PFLAG Mom status at this point. She also has expressed nothing but excitement and support about upcoming kid.

All I could muster as a response was "Why wouldn't she tell him, MY baby is going to know." Then I dropped it. We were at a family party after all, and my family is not the type to argue in public. There was an uncomfortable silence and my SIL cocked an eyebrow like she was shocked my Mom woud say that. (Sweetly, she spend the whole next day saying validating comments about me and partner's relationship)

But, then I went to my sister's house and cried and cried. I couldn't believe my Mom was suggesting my relationship with my partner should be hidden. The fact that it was implied it should be hidden from a small child made it even worse. Talk about feeling freakish.
My sister tried to comfort me and told me how mad she was at what my Mom said. And I kept crying.

I thought about the baby and how I didn't want her to deal with the idea that she should be ashamed of her family. I got a sense of how upsetting subtle comments could be to me, and her. Of course, I knew the baby would experience homophobia in her life, but I didn't think about how it could come from loving well-meaning family members as well.

My Mom called that night and asked my sister how things were going. I am pretty sure that she knew it was the wrong thing to say. Since then, she also has made some extra LGBT family friendly gestures like giving us a rainbow themed children's book. My Mom and I haven't talked about the conversation that wasn't yet, which I know doesn't say much about my adult communication skills. I'm still planning too.

I am honestly surprised by how upset I was. But the thing that struck me the most was how oddly maternal I felt about the baby. It is the closest I have come to experiencing the protective Mother Lion"Don't you DARE hurt my child" sensibility I have heard about. I know it sounds bizarre, but pregnancy has been so surreal/unreal that I am strangely comforted to know that I might, someday, think and feel like I would want a parent to think and feel.

Stranger then Strange

I promised that I would fess up if I joined the people who say "Pregnancy goes by so fast." Nope, still not one of those people. I don't find that to be true any more then the "You forget the pain of TTC." Haven't yet, nope. Though it does get easier.

I also don't relate to people who feel they know their baby in the womb. A friend of mine told me she felt her son's personality at 4 weeks after conception! What? I feel like I don't know anything about the baby, other then a sense of her movement patterns. When I went for my 34 week appointment, the doctor told me the baby was measuring a slightly bigger then normal, height wise. I kept repeating this information to myself. I felt like it was the one fact I knew about her. ("Yep, our daughter, she is tall for her age, she is")

Normally we don't let complete strangers become the most important people in our lives. It is stranger then strange.

I'm really looking forward to meeting her and finding out what she is all about.

Soundtrack of Our Lives

Here is a link to a crazy video from my imaginary "Inspirational Music for TTC" Collection.
A rock anthemy song full of defiance, queerness, and OPTIMISM:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uY6zkwqyneY

PS No, I have no idea whats up with the shoes, either.