A year ago this week I miscarried.
The bleeding started on Tuesday and we went to the ER (diagnosis: "threatened miscarriage/abortion"). Wednesday I had large amounts of blood and we went to the ER again. (Diagnosis: Miscarriage). On Thursday the Ob/Gyn confirmed it was "complete." I spent the next few days taking all the percocet the doctor prescribed. Even though there wasn't too much physical pain.
The weekend following the miscarriage, I alternated between watching DVDs in a narcotic haze and walking around my neighborhood, trying my best to be distracted by the annual neighborhood celebration. My sister, Lovely's Mom, and out of town friends had already planned visits for this weekend and so they were there. (Thankfully they weren't all staying with us). It was a beautiful sunny weekend. Hot the way I like it to be. I was bleeding a lot.
On Sunday afternoon, Lovely and I were walking alone together through the festival. Maybe the percocet wore off or maybe I was just waiting to be away from the visitors, but I had a meltdown on the street near the crowds and the vendors. I pointed out to Lovely all the people standing in the street saying "Look, that person wasn't a miscarriage" "That person wasn't either" "All these people are alive" and I started crying.
It was one of those striking moments when you feel completely out of sync with the world. All around me the sun was shining, kids were running with balloons, topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Under ordinary circumstances, I would've loved this day.
Nobody really seemed to notice how upset I was, or how out of place I must have been. Lovely took me home.
That night I decided to step outside again and there was a concert going on closing the festival for the day. I met a friend there who knew what happened. She asked me "Are you feeling better today?"
"No" I said, laughing slightly. It seemed absurd to me that anyone might think I was feeling better.
That was a year ago.
This weekend, Lovely and I walked through the festival. The sun was shining, the topless gay guys were drinking beer, everyone seemed to be laughing. Lovely and I asked a random couple about whether they liked the stroller they were using. And I am 6 months pregnant.
Sometimes, a lot can change in a year.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
First Train Seat
Its official--I look pregnant enough that I was offered a seat on the subway. In my experience, it IS true that people treat you different. Many strangers look at my belly and smile at me. My co-workers seem very interested in what I eat. Thank goodness its not in a judgemental way, just making sure I know there is free food available so that I can get first dips. It is somewhat hillarious that co-workers who I never talked to before seem concerned that I get enough ice cream when there is cake and ice cream for a birthday.
I also find that I am pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time, even though I am not to third trimester yet. My feet, ankles and legs get really swollen which limits the time each day I can stand and walk. Already?! I am embarrassed at how vain I feel about this development.
I've enjoyed the pregnancy so much more the past week. When she kicks, it feels real. I have odd maternal thoughts, like "She is so cute when she kicks" I know that doesnt even make sense. And the stuff that I kept wanting to put off like going to childbirth class, visiting the hospital and meeting the lawyer for the second parent adoption can't be put off much longer.
I realized that despite all the thought I put into the pregnancy, the parenting, even the baby's room-I didn't spend any time thinking about the birth. Lovely Partner is obsessed with reading about births and learning everything she can. I've been mildly avoidant. The other day I was taking one of my frequent spontaneous naps and I heard a baby crying. I was so confused. I looked over to the other side of the couch--It was Lovely, watching births on youtube.
I better learn some stuff!
I also find that I am pretty uncomfortable a lot of the time, even though I am not to third trimester yet. My feet, ankles and legs get really swollen which limits the time each day I can stand and walk. Already?! I am embarrassed at how vain I feel about this development.
I've enjoyed the pregnancy so much more the past week. When she kicks, it feels real. I have odd maternal thoughts, like "She is so cute when she kicks" I know that doesnt even make sense. And the stuff that I kept wanting to put off like going to childbirth class, visiting the hospital and meeting the lawyer for the second parent adoption can't be put off much longer.
I realized that despite all the thought I put into the pregnancy, the parenting, even the baby's room-I didn't spend any time thinking about the birth. Lovely Partner is obsessed with reading about births and learning everything she can. I've been mildly avoidant. The other day I was taking one of my frequent spontaneous naps and I heard a baby crying. I was so confused. I looked over to the other side of the couch--It was Lovely, watching births on youtube.
I better learn some stuff!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Will I ever relax?
Yesterday was another trip to the ER. This time it wasn't me freaking out, but an actual scare. I was fine when I went to work, but all the sudden I felt very intense pain and pressure near the womb. It felt like something (somone) was pushing out. It was so intense, I could barely get out of my chair. It didn't go away quickly, and it didn't feel like round ligament pain. It felt scary. It was so painful I thought it was labor. After about a half hour, it subsided, but then it came back as bad as before. So Icalled Lovely Partner and told my boss I was leaving. I took the familiar road back to the hospital. This time I got to go to OB/Gyn Triage, instead of regular ER, which was a relief. I didn't have to wait at all and the nurses, midwives, and doctors were helpful, warm, and reassuring. They explained every single thing to me and answered all my questions. The first thing they did was check the baby's heartbeat, which was fine. They put me on a thing to monitor contractions and found some "irritability" that was not high enough to be pregnancy contractions but high enough to indicate a problem. Thankfully, the midwife, um, discovered that my cervix was fine and not dialating at all. Turns out, I have an infection and have to take antibiotics. The doctor said not taking the meds could really increase my chance of pre-term labor due to the infection. This is not thrilling news. I was planning on being med-free this pregnancy. Obviously, I'm concerned about the effects of meds and infections on the baby's health. The pain (it really hurts to walk) is not something I planned on either. However, at the same time, it was great news because I was not in pre-term labor. I also have to stay home and do nothing for five days. (small small complaint: over a holiday weekend when my sibs are visiting!)
There is so much good news in this event: Baby okay, I'm okay, hospital staff where we deliver was fantastic, etc. As I reclined in the hospital bed with monitors on me and learned that it was not pre-term labor, I was so relieved. Happy even. But when I got home, I crashed. Another scary day. Another day thinking my baby was in jeopardy, looking for signs of life. Straining to hear the heartbeat on the doppler as I held my breath.
More awful images of calls I would have to make telling people I lost another baby.
I felt the kicking for the first time this week and it was thrilling. The best feeling in the world. I thought it would help me relax to feel it. (It does, for minutes). But here I am, scared and anxious again. Wondering how the hell I am going to be able to mother a baby with this much fear inside me. Alarmed about the unexpected the rest of the pregnancy will bring. Worrying about what will happen if I google the name of the medicine and the infection.
What thoughts will go through my head with nothing to do for five days of abbreviated bed rest?
I know a lot of people have scarier circumstances then this: actual pre-term labor, actual bed rest, questionable ultrasounds. The doctors even said that my infection was the best outcome for my symptoms.
I wanted more then anything to be pregnant, and I'm so grateful--but I haven't been enjoying it too much.
It makes me terrified that I will not be able to enjoy my baby either.
There is so much good news in this event: Baby okay, I'm okay, hospital staff where we deliver was fantastic, etc. As I reclined in the hospital bed with monitors on me and learned that it was not pre-term labor, I was so relieved. Happy even. But when I got home, I crashed. Another scary day. Another day thinking my baby was in jeopardy, looking for signs of life. Straining to hear the heartbeat on the doppler as I held my breath.
More awful images of calls I would have to make telling people I lost another baby.
I felt the kicking for the first time this week and it was thrilling. The best feeling in the world. I thought it would help me relax to feel it. (It does, for minutes). But here I am, scared and anxious again. Wondering how the hell I am going to be able to mother a baby with this much fear inside me. Alarmed about the unexpected the rest of the pregnancy will bring. Worrying about what will happen if I google the name of the medicine and the infection.
What thoughts will go through my head with nothing to do for five days of abbreviated bed rest?
I know a lot of people have scarier circumstances then this: actual pre-term labor, actual bed rest, questionable ultrasounds. The doctors even said that my infection was the best outcome for my symptoms.
I wanted more then anything to be pregnant, and I'm so grateful--but I haven't been enjoying it too much.
It makes me terrified that I will not be able to enjoy my baby either.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Learning from My Mom
On Mother's Day, I told my Mom she was a great model for being a mother.
Here is some things I learned from her that I would like to incorporate into mothering:
1) An emphasis on creativity and fun. My mom would make up stories to amuse or comfort us, and encourage us to write our own stories as well. She left me silly notes in my lunch bag when I was a kid. She would make up ryhmes to go with our Christmas and birthday presents. Once, for valentines day she hid hearts all over our house and we had to follow clues to go from one heart to the next. On the last heart, it was one of those cheap candy hearts that said "I will" on top of a pizza coupon. That meant we were having pizza for dinner that night--our favorite! She made a lot of routine things a game for us.
2) Encouraging a love of reading. My mom read to all of us kids from the time we were born. Me and sibs are still avid readers. I think it helped us all academically. When I was young, books were my refuge from the world I found scary. More importantly, books showed me worlds and ideas that I would never have come across in my suburban upbringing. When we got the scholastic book order, my Mom had a policy that I could pick out one book from the order form and she would pick out one for me. I loved picking out my book! But the ones she picked usually ended up being better.
3) Developing a social conscience. My mom is a Christian in the social-justice-help-the-poor- mode. When I was little we always learned about the importance of caring for others and being politically active. My Mom's heros were Gandhi and the leaders of the civil rights movement. We always had "Peace" calenders with important social activists on each page. She is a political person motivated by principles and ideals. As I got older, she applied her social activism principles to her understanding of LBGT issues. It took a little while to get there, but she pulled through.
4) Nurturing Curiosity. I admit that I didn't get that my Mom was teaching us stuff with all the outings and activities we did. I thought she planned trips to the museum, fruit picking, trying new recipes and memory games with us because she thought it was a total blast. Now I see that she was trying to teach us about our world. I feel lucky that my mom was an elementary school teacher.
5) Celebrating family. My Mom is a family first kind of person so we grew up with tons of family activities and saw our extended family on a weekly basis, if not more. I think feeling a part of this large network is what preserved my sanity in the rougher years. When we were really little, we had "Family Night" when each of us kids had a part to play--one of us picked the activity, the other picked the snack, and the other picked the prayer, etc. Even though I am not religious in the same way, I love the idea of families being a strong connected unit that enjoys their time together. We don't have Family Night anymore, but we still have a lot of fun when we are together.
6) Cultivating empathy. My Mom always said things like "How you would you feel in that person's position?" She talked about how words could really hurt people. I remember one time when I was young she saw me teasing a neighbor kid and she said it made her so sad for the little boy. Her first reaction was not even anger at me for being a jerk, but empathy for how bad the other kid felt. That really stuck with me.
One of the things that I learned I was doing wrong in my adult life was idealizing people and situations. I've tried to get more realistic about life and have a more mature outlook. I want this for myself, but also to be a better mother. So I'm writing this list knowing that there was positive and negative elements of my upbringing.
Even considering all that, I have to say, I feel really lucky to have the Mom I do.
Here is some things I learned from her that I would like to incorporate into mothering:
1) An emphasis on creativity and fun. My mom would make up stories to amuse or comfort us, and encourage us to write our own stories as well. She left me silly notes in my lunch bag when I was a kid. She would make up ryhmes to go with our Christmas and birthday presents. Once, for valentines day she hid hearts all over our house and we had to follow clues to go from one heart to the next. On the last heart, it was one of those cheap candy hearts that said "I will" on top of a pizza coupon. That meant we were having pizza for dinner that night--our favorite! She made a lot of routine things a game for us.
2) Encouraging a love of reading. My mom read to all of us kids from the time we were born. Me and sibs are still avid readers. I think it helped us all academically. When I was young, books were my refuge from the world I found scary. More importantly, books showed me worlds and ideas that I would never have come across in my suburban upbringing. When we got the scholastic book order, my Mom had a policy that I could pick out one book from the order form and she would pick out one for me. I loved picking out my book! But the ones she picked usually ended up being better.
3) Developing a social conscience. My mom is a Christian in the social-justice-help-the-poor- mode. When I was little we always learned about the importance of caring for others and being politically active. My Mom's heros were Gandhi and the leaders of the civil rights movement. We always had "Peace" calenders with important social activists on each page. She is a political person motivated by principles and ideals. As I got older, she applied her social activism principles to her understanding of LBGT issues. It took a little while to get there, but she pulled through.
4) Nurturing Curiosity. I admit that I didn't get that my Mom was teaching us stuff with all the outings and activities we did. I thought she planned trips to the museum, fruit picking, trying new recipes and memory games with us because she thought it was a total blast. Now I see that she was trying to teach us about our world. I feel lucky that my mom was an elementary school teacher.
5) Celebrating family. My Mom is a family first kind of person so we grew up with tons of family activities and saw our extended family on a weekly basis, if not more. I think feeling a part of this large network is what preserved my sanity in the rougher years. When we were really little, we had "Family Night" when each of us kids had a part to play--one of us picked the activity, the other picked the snack, and the other picked the prayer, etc. Even though I am not religious in the same way, I love the idea of families being a strong connected unit that enjoys their time together. We don't have Family Night anymore, but we still have a lot of fun when we are together.
6) Cultivating empathy. My Mom always said things like "How you would you feel in that person's position?" She talked about how words could really hurt people. I remember one time when I was young she saw me teasing a neighbor kid and she said it made her so sad for the little boy. Her first reaction was not even anger at me for being a jerk, but empathy for how bad the other kid felt. That really stuck with me.
One of the things that I learned I was doing wrong in my adult life was idealizing people and situations. I've tried to get more realistic about life and have a more mature outlook. I want this for myself, but also to be a better mother. So I'm writing this list knowing that there was positive and negative elements of my upbringing.
Even considering all that, I have to say, I feel really lucky to have the Mom I do.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Daughter
All was well at 20 week ultrasound. Once again,we were incredibly lucky with the medical staff. A blessing to be here in this city where people rarely seem to notice that we are two moms.
I asked the tech if she was 99% sure about the gender and she laughed and said "99.9% sure"
It is looking like soon we will be two Moms with a daughter.
I asked the tech if she was 99% sure about the gender and she laughed and said "99.9% sure"
It is looking like soon we will be two Moms with a daughter.
Friday, May 2, 2008
My 19 Week Freakout
According to the doctor, I am fine and the baby is fine. But that didn't stop me from having my 19 week freak out yesterday. I felt some unsual pain that was different then the other pains I experienced. (truthfully, the pain wasn't too bad). I was worried because I lost 2 pounds and still haven't felt the baby move. So I decided to go to the ER for a few hours. I was beside myself with anxiety. Unlike my last visit to this ER, this visit went well. My 20 week ultrasound is next week but I got a sneak preview. The baby was moving, limbs flailing about. The doctor seemed pleased. They did some tests and couldn't find anything wrong. I felt sort of dumb for going in.
On the other hand, I was so relieved to have validation that the baby was alive. I don't know if its typical of pregnancy, typical of pregnancy after loss, or my own issues with anxiety, but I have been really terrified the past few weeks. I can't feel the baby move, I can't see it...I can't believe it. I'm not excited about ultrasounds, I'm terrified of the bad news they might bring. (It concerns me a bit that I am such an anxious Mom already)
I've got to figure out a way to cope better.
Thankfully, I did feel a lot better when I saw the baby moving, the heart beating.
On the other hand, I was so relieved to have validation that the baby was alive. I don't know if its typical of pregnancy, typical of pregnancy after loss, or my own issues with anxiety, but I have been really terrified the past few weeks. I can't feel the baby move, I can't see it...I can't believe it. I'm not excited about ultrasounds, I'm terrified of the bad news they might bring. (It concerns me a bit that I am such an anxious Mom already)
I've got to figure out a way to cope better.
Thankfully, I did feel a lot better when I saw the baby moving, the heart beating.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Never Know What to Say
I am reading all my TTC blogs religiously. I think about everyone of my "regulars" every day. But I never know what to say here. I didn't really enjoy reading the blogs of people who were pregnant when I was TTC. So I don't know how to write one, or what I want it to be.
It seems like there has been a lot of bad news in the lesbian ttc blogland this week. If I have ever commented on your blog before, know that you are in my equivalent of prayers today.
It seems like there has been a lot of bad news in the lesbian ttc blogland this week. If I have ever commented on your blog before, know that you are in my equivalent of prayers today.
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